


Turning Point

by JustAnotherBlonde



Series: A Lifetime of Moments [8]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Comfort, Gentle Kissing, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Sexual Aversion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:34:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26370466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAnotherBlonde/pseuds/JustAnotherBlonde
Summary: Sasori continues to struggle with his mental health, but today is a turning point.
Relationships: Deidara/Sasori (Naruto)
Series: A Lifetime of Moments [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1878778
Comments: 2
Kudos: 28





	Turning Point

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote most of this fic before entering the fandom and learning about some people's issues with SasoDei. welp, i started writing this because i was affected by the hurt and trauma that Sasori had to deal with in the ninja-universe, and wanted better for him. it won't be an easy ride for my SasoDei, but the end goal is always healing. please enjoy :)

Deidara swapped the groceries over to his other hand and dug around in his pocket for the key. _His_ key. It felt warm and light in his hand. _I should get a keyring for it. Maybe Sasori could make me a puppet, or I could do a little figurine…_ _mn._ He smiled to imagine it.

He had moved into Sasori’s place at the end of term, but this would be the first time he used the new key. Since they’d had it made a week ago, they had come and gone together every day. But today Deidara had started his summer job—assistant to a farmer’s market manager—while Sasori enjoyed a day off.

The key slid into the lock and the bolt clunked, everything perfectly smooth.

“I’m home!” Deidara called as he stepped through the door. “Mn.”

He looked around. The apartment was empty. But all of Sasori’s shoes were by the door: he wasn’t out.

“Sasori?” Deidara called, setting the shopping bags down on the floor. He tucked the key into his back pocket and shut the door, listening. A splash and whimper came from the bathroom.

“Sasori, are you in there? I’m home, mn.” Something wasn’t right. He listened more closely at the bathroom door.

And heard sobbing.

He flung open the door. Sasori sat in the filled bathtub, naked, knees curled up, hands covering his face. He was shaking, shivering, and crying uncontrollably. If there had been bubbles in the tub they had long since dissipated.

“Sasori! What’s the matter, mn?” Deidara threw himself to his knees and grabbed at Sasori’s hands, trying to pull them away from his face, to look in his eyes.

“Get away from me!” Sasori cried, striking at Deidara’s hands. “Please, just leave me here. Leave me alone. That’s all I deserve.”

“What are you talking about? Sas, darling, we’ve talked about this. I’m not going to leave you. I’m not going to leave you, mn.” Deidara tried to grab Sasori’s hands again. This time Sasori dropped the hands away. They splashed into the tub. His eyes were screwed shut, his face a grimacing mask as he continued to cry. He hung his head.

“I don’t want to do this anymore,” he sobbed. “I can’t. I can’t do this.”

“Do what, darling?” Deidara’s voice was gentle. “Us?”

Sasori stared at the water.

“Live.”

The pit of Deidara’s stomach fell away. _No. No, don’t tell me he…_ The first thing Deidara looked for was blood. He snatched Sasori’s hands out of the tub: nothing. Then he looked for razors, blades, carving tools. But there were none in the bathroom, none within reach. _The pills? Did he already…?! He wouldn’t try that, he hates waiting… Still…_ He stood and flung open the medicine cabinet. Nothing was out of place. Bottles half-full, almost full, nearly empty, nothing alarming.

“Don’t scare me like that, Sas, mn.” Deidara tried to laugh. _Wait_. “Did you take your meds today, babe?”

Sasori just stared at the water.

_I bet that’s what this is about,_ _mn._ Deidara grimaced as a wave of helplessness took him. _God, I still don’t know what he’s supposed to be taking and when he’s supposed to take it. I can’t just start feeding him pills._ He ran his hands through his hair. _Right._

“Let’s get you out of that tub, mn?” Deidara reached his hand into the water. It was freezing cold. “You’ll catch a cold. Let’s get out of there.”

He knelt down again and tried to get his shoulder under Sasori’s arm, a fireman’s carry. But Sasori refused to cooperate. He almost pulled them both down into the tub. Deidara’s knee smacked sharply down on the tile floor.

“Come on, Sas,” Deidara said through gritted teeth. “Work with me here, mn.”

Grappling with the dripping, naked limbs, he eventually succeeded in a version of the bride carry, grateful for his upper body strength. Sasori was taller, but certainly weighed less than muscular Deidara.

“The first time I get to see you naked,” Deidara grumbled. “And this is how you act. Hmph.”

Sasori was whimpering softly in his arms. Deidara staggered across the room and lowered to his knees beside the bed, doing his best not to just dump Sasori on to it. He quickly pulled the duvet over Sasori’s shivering body, but Sasori sat up and pushed him away again.

“Please! You’ll catch cold, dammit! Mn!” Deidara stomped his foot, realizing that he was still wearing his trainers. He kicked them off and knelt on the bed. In one swift movement he tore the duvet from Sasori’s hands and wrapped it around Sasori’s shoulders, pinning his arms down. He slid in behind Sasori and held him, rearranging the duvet so that it covered Sasori’s legs and… other parts.

His t-shirt and shorts were soaked and clinging to his skin. Thankfully the room was warm, filled with afternoon summer sun. He squeezed Sasori tightly, pressing his cheek into the back of his red-haired head. The hairs by Sasori’s nape were wet and dripping, dripping onto Deidara’s nose.

But that wasn’t all that was dripping down Deidara’s nose. _Shit, I’m crying, mn_. He cuddled Sasori even closer and wiped his nose on the duvet.

“Darling… darling…” he murmured. “You’re all right. Everything’s all right. I’m here, mn.”

He held Sasori, rocking him gently until he quieted down. Sasori rolled around, rotating so that his head rested on Deidara’s chest; Deidara leaned back against the pillows and wall so that Sasori could stretch out comfortably. Deidara wrapped his arms around Sasori in his duvet cocoon. He tried not to think about the fact that Sasori was naked in there.

Lowering his chin to kiss the top of Sasori’s head, he realized that Sasori had fallen asleep. As much as he wanted to stay there, holding this man he already couldn’t imagine life without, he was also aware of the fact that he had bought ice cream at the shop. He slowly extracted himself and tiptoed over to his groceries.

*

When Sasori came to it was already dark outside. Deidara was making an unholy racket in the kitchen. Sasori groggily rubbed his eyes, trying to remember why he was in bed. _What happened today?_ _I feel like I’ve been mulched and put through Konan’s paper press._ He rubbed his chest; his heart felt heavy and sick, like something dark and sticky clung to it. _Oh_. _Right. My pills._

His silky black pajamas were folded neatly beside his pillow, making him aware for the first time that he was naked under the covers. _What happened…? Wait, no, I do remember drawing bath…_ He looked over at Deidara again, talking to himself and slamming pots around. _He’s trying to make dinner…_ This brought a smile to Sasori’s lips. _I really do not deserve him._ Realizing that Deidara had probably carried him to bed, a wave of despair washed over him. _I don’t deserve him!_ He pinched himself. _No! Stop that. You do. You do._

Sasori pulled on his pajamas and walked softly over to the kitchen island. Deidara was still completely immersed in whatever it was he was preparing. The kitchen looked like a warzone. Sasori seated himself on a stool and waited for Deidara to notice him.

Deidara turned, a pan of frozen hash browns in his hand, and spotted Sasori.

“Uwah!” Several hash browns hit the floor. “Shit, when did you get there?” Deidara stooped to pick up the escaped food. “You’re like a fucking ninja, mn.”

He flipped open the oven door and inserted the pan of hash browns, then turned back to Sasori.

“How are you feeling?” Deidara’s gaze was soft and full of concern.

“Still pretty terrible, if I’m being honest,” Sasori replied, rubbing the back of his neck.

“What happened, Sas? Why didn’t you take your pills today, mn?”

_I guess I should tell him. I just didn’t think it was going to turn into such a disaster…_

“It wasn’t just today. I’ve been taking lower doses of certain pills for the past few weeks.”

Deidara stared. “And you just decided that yourself? Without telling me?”

Sasori studied Deidara’s face, taking in his outrage and concern.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. But it wasn’t a decision I just made by myself: my psychiatrist agreed.”

“Your—you have a psychiatrist?” Deidara looked shocked.

“Where do you think I get the prescriptions?” Sasori replied, narrowing his eyes.

“I don’t know! You never talk about this, mn!”

“And what are we doing right now?!” Sasori shot back.

A silence grew between them. Deidara lowered his gaze and planted his hands on the countertop. He spoke first, speaking to the counter:

“I’m sorry. I know it’s not easy for you. It’s none of my business anyway, mn.”

_No, you’re doing it again,_ Sasori thought to himself, wincing. _Remember what the doctor said._

His body felt too heavy to move, but still he tried: he reached out and placed a hand on top of one of Deidara’s. Deidara looked up.

“It is your business, Deidara,” he said. “You’re one of the reasons I brought it up with my doctor. I felt like I didn’t need to be taking such heavy doses, and she agreed we could try reducing some of them. She thinks you’re… a good influence.”

Deidara straightened, a complicated expression surfacing on his face. Part confusion, part pride, part pleased…

“Does she know I like to blow things up in my spare time? Mn.”

Sasori laughed. “I may have left that part out…”

Deidara walked around the island to stand in front of Sasori.

“You scared me today, Sas,” he whispered, hands by his sides, head tilted to one side. “Mn.”

Sasori stood and folded Deidara into an embrace. _I won’t be afraid of this. This is a turning point._

“And you were perfect,” Sasori murmured into Deidara’s hair. He pressed closer, acutely aware of all the places where their bodies made contact: he felt the beat of Deidara’s heart through his smooth pajama top, felt Deidara’s breath on his neck, rested his cheek against Deidara’s ear, and stroked Deidara’s warm back beneath his hands.

He brought a hand up to cradle Deidara’s head and kissed him. Deidara responded, kissed him back. Deeper, longer—Sasori returned the kiss once more. Nothing else in the world existed. _Just for this one moment,_ Sasori thought. _For this one moment, let everything be fine._ He lost himself in Deidara’s lips. Deidara’s.

It surprised him when they broke apart that Deidara was crying. Deidara hastily wiped his tears and laughed sheepishly.

“That was… mn,” he said. “I’ve been waiting for months…”

Realization dawned: _This is what he’s always been trying to tell me. ‘Beauty is an instant’._

“I think I understand…” Sasori began. But the scent of something burning stopped him. “Dei, the hash browns!”

“Oh my—shit!” Deidara exclaimed, dashing over to the oven. He almost forgot the oven mitt as he reached inside. “Ow—hot—shit—fuck—”

Sasori walked around to inspect the damage.

“Some of them are probably still edible…” he said, uncertain.

“It’s fine, I was planning on heating up some soup as well… mn.”

“And what about vegetables?”

“It’s vegetable soup! Mn.”

Shaking his head, Sasori opened the refrigerator and bent down.

“Here, throw this in the microwave. Seafood pasta from Saturday. To go with the soup.”

“And there’s ice cream for later, mn,” Deidara grinned.

Sasori wrapped his arm around Deidara’s waist and kissed his cheek.

“Perfect.”

*

Deidara wanted a shower before bed. Sasori lay on the mattress staring at the ceiling, listening to the water run. Pale moonlight streamed through the skylight, dimly lighting the room. He felt empty, exhausted. His mind drifted.

The soft pad of Deidara’s footsteps across the wooden floor called him back to the present. The covers rustled as Deidara pulled them aside and slipped beneath. He kept the usual distance between them.

_I don’t want that,_ Sasori thought. He rolled and stretched his arm across Deidara’s chest. His naked chest.

Deidara felt his surprise. “It’s summer. I get too hot for pajamas, mn,” he whispered.

Sasori’s hand drifted lower and discovered underwear. _He’s not completely naked then,_ Sasori thought with relief. Deidara stretched his arm beneath Sasori’s neck and rolled around so that he held Sasori. Lying down, Deidara could be the taller one, his chin resting on the top of Sasori’s head. Sasori burrowed deeper, pressing his leg over Deidara’s. Deidara murmured in pleasure.

“This is nice, mn,” he said.

“Mm,” Sasori replied. It felt so safe and warm.

They lay there like that, breathing softly, for a long moment.

Deidara broke the silence, whispering: “I want to kiss you, but I’m afraid, mn.”

Sasori shifted his position, moving up so that he could meet Deidara’s gaze in the near-dark.

“What are you afraid of?” He searched Deidara’s eye, nearly hidden beneath the hair that fell over his face. Deidara squeezed his eye shut, an anguished expression distorting his features. He bit his lip.

“I’m afraid if I start kissing you here, I won’t be able to stop, mn,” his voice the barest whisper. “And I don’t want to hurt you.”

In response, Sasori cupped Deidara’s cheek and stroked it with his thumb. His fingers wove into Deidara’s hair.

“Deidara,” he said softly, “I want to go down this road with you. I made that choice the first night you stayed here with me. You’ve been…” He drew a shuddering breath, “…more than I’d ever dreamed possible. You’re so patient with me. I—”

_Just shut up!_ Sasori thought, impatient with himself. _Who needs to talk about this stuff?!_

So he kissed Deidara instead.

_A turning point…_

His body ignited and he attacked—it was this, always this that made him afraid, how acutely he _felt_ everything. Passion so strong it _hurt_ , so strong he might inflict pain… The pills had numbed it, but now… This was what Orochimaru had loved. He had loved it when Sasori drew blood. It had made him laugh… _No!_

Sasori drew back, frightened by his own hungry kisses. Deidara chased him, rolling on top of him, but he saw the look in Sasori’s eyes. He slowed his motion and tenderly, tenderly pressed his cheek to Sasori’s cheek. He cuddled close, nuzzling into the crook of Sasori’s neck.

_He’s letting me take the initiative…_ Sasori wrapped his arms around Deidara’s back, felt his weight sink, slowly pressing Sasori down. Sasori could feel Deidara’s hardness pressing into his thigh. _I know what you want, but I’m not ready… Be patient, my love._

Sasori kissed Deidara’s cheek; Deidara turned his head; their lips met. Sasori hardened, just a little. _No… I’m not ready for that! Please…_

A little sigh escaped Deidara’s mouth as they kissed, hungrier, deeper, more tongue.

_Can’t you just forget?!_ Sasori cursed himself angrily. _Be here, for_ him, _not wrapped up in your own memories?_

Deidara’s hand slipped under Sasori’s pajama top.

“Stop,” Sasori said, gripping his wrist. “Not tonight. Please. Just this.”

Drawing back and searching Sasori’s eyes, Deidara gave him a tiny smile. In the dim moonlight, Sasori could see it was a sad smile.

“Okay. Anything for you, darling, mn.”

Sasori’s heart swelled.

“I love you,” he whispered, the words falling out of his mouth before he had time to think.

Deidara’s eye grew wide and his smile blossomed. This one was a happy smile.

“Mm,” he grinned and burrowed deeper into Sasori’s embrace.

**Author's Note:**

> sometimes there are songs i like that fit with these stories...
> 
> Song: "Divide" by Bastille 
> 
> Why would we divide  
> When we could come together?  
> Are we just bodies that collide?  
> Lost and found each other?  
> Don't, don't leave me alone, don't leave me alone...


End file.
